I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
