your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
