I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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