and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
