Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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