How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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