You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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