i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
