Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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