She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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