I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
