Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
