I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
