i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he's gonorrhea incarnate
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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