Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
