I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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