upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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