i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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