So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
