my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
