I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
