: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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