Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
