I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just want nice things and good sex
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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