I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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