Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
