Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
