he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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