her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
