I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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