not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
