There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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