my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
