Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
