I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Oh god it's open bar.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
