I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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