there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
