why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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