GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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