pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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