Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
