I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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