This is not my ceiling
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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