a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
