Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Randomize
