I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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