I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
