On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You smell like stripper and shame
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
