I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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