My liver just broke up with me...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
