Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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